


eros melter of limbs

by magpie_fngrl



Series: AU College [1]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Threesome - M/M/M, non-magic au, smut-esque
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-12 17:29:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2118573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magpie_fngrl/pseuds/magpie_fngrl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ronan is a university student, living in a flat with his boyfriend, Kavinsky. Kavinsky brings him an unexpected birthday present that will change their lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_got you a present that you’re gonna love_

Ronan dropped the phone on the sofa and laid his head back.  He had expected K to forget his birthday, but he should have known better. K had the tendency to take your assumptions and piss on them.

He said to be ready by 8 and it was 7.30 already, so Ronan got up and headed to the shower. As he was getting in, he heard keys in the front door, then footsteps towards the bathroom.

“Lynch. Wet and naked. Just the way I like it,” said a voice smooth like poison. K quickly discarded his clothes and stepped into the shower and immediately bit Ronan’s chest. Ronan laughed and put his arms around him, kissing him deep and slow. “You naughty boy”, he breathed and K responded by squeezing Ronan’s ass.

“How’s the birthday boy?” he asked.

“Wondering about the present,” Ronan replied.

“Oh man, you’re gonna love it.” K’s smile was sly and devilish, meaning he'd been a bad boy. Ronan was a lot more intrigued now. What _had_ he done?

“Tell me,” Ronan said, kissing K's neck and biting his ear. “Tell me,” he insisted and slid his arms around the other’s wet thighs.

“Not saying, not saying,” K laughed. Drops of water had settled on his eyelashes; tiny diamonds on the face of a demon. Water trickled on his face, running down his chest all the way to his boner and Ronan kissed him again, feeling suddenly a lot lustier.

“You’re gonna have to try harder than that,” K teased with a wide grin.

Ronan could be persuasive when he wanted, especially with his hands. He caressed K’s back slowly all the way down to his thighs. He moved his hands around the area of K’s cock but veered away at the last minute and K gasped with impatience. He nuzzled his neck, while he kept his hands exploring and touching the inside of K’s hips coming closer to his rock-hard cock, then away again.

“You’re such a tease”, K whispered.

“ _What is it_?” Ronan whispered back, his hands sliding smoothly over K’s balls, then moving away. Then, caressing his dick, then moving away.

K moaned. He bit Ronan’s shoulder and tried to grind himself on him, but Ronan pushed him back and breathed “Tell me.”

K relented. He leaned on the wall and said with half-closed eyes, “It’s got to do with what we talked about. That night at Swan’s party.”

Ronan knelt and planted little kisses on K’s midriff, his mouth slowly moving lower. He let his tongue rest slightly on the head - then it traced the whole of K’s dick, then he took him all in. K moaned and rubbed Ronan’s shaved head. _Oh man_ , he was saying, _oh man._

Then, “It’s got to do with that drinking game. The ‘I’ve never.’”

Ronan remembered that game. They had played it loads in the past, but it was always fun when there were new people around and that night at Swan’s a random, interesting group had gathered on the floor in a circle holding glasses or bottles and slurring their words trying to come up with a good ‘I’ve never’. The statements always ended up being about sex and drugs, which meant that K got pretty drunk pretty quick as there was not a lot he hadn’t done.

“I’ve never had sex with a girl,” a woman said, and many people took a sip. Ronan didn’t, but K did.

“Never had a threesome,” said another chick, eyeing everyone in the circle hopefully.

“I’ve never been arrested,” this kid - Gansey or Gatsby or something - said and K and Ronan both laughed out loud, exchanged wry looks and downed their drink in one.

“I’ve never had cocaine,” someone said and K took a big gulp, then got up and excused himself to go to the bathroom. Ronan knew he was going to do a line. He had never taken drugs, but he didn’t mind K’s recreational habit. Could that be the present? he wondered, but it didn’t make sense. K knew not to offer anymore.

“I’ve never tried bondage stuff,” said someone and to Ronan’s surprise, K didn’t drink. As he was kneeling now under the water, his lips around K’s cock and his nails deep in K’s thighs, the small bathroom filled with steam and gasps, he realized what the present was.

When they stepped out of the shower, the hot water had run out and they were both shivering. K was in great spirits. He wrapped the huge, blue towel around both of them and held it tight and grinned at Ronan and kissed him playfully biting and pulling and licking his lips. They moved to the living room, where he sprawled naked on the sofa, lit a cigarette, and inhaled with closed eyes. He was the devil-may-care boy with the relaxed attitude and the wicked smile, the Kavinsky that Ronan had fallen for all those months ago. When he saw him like this, he would forget all those arguments and fights and those nights that K set off alone to god-knows-where. Blowing smoke through his utterly kissable lips, eyes still closed, K said, “The rest of the night is all about you, man. I’m going to give you the best night ever, I promise”.

Just then the door bell rang. It was 8 o ‘clock. K jumped and ran to open the door completely naked. Ronan draped the towel around him. He heard voices, then the door closing, then two sets of footsteps.

K entered the living room, smiling and jittery. Next to him was a slender, tanned, fair-haired, high-cheekboned, blue-eyed beauty looking at the same time shy and daring. Ronan’s heart lost a beat. K smiled.

“This is your present, man. I got us a threesome.”


	2. Chapter 2

Ronan had never really been tempted by threeways but K knew him better than he had thought. It was endearing (as well as surprising) to think that he knew him so well. Indeed, he had brought him precisely the guy, the type of guy, that Ronan would not ( _could not_ ) refuse.

He glanced furtively to the newcomer standing at his side. After the introductions (Adam, the stranger had said in a southern accent), K dashed around the room, choosing the music, turning up the volume, pulling glasses from the side table they used as a bar, cutting out some coke on the glass coffee table with a credit card and all the while Ronan just stood there somewhat awkwardly, hand holding the towel around his waist, not knowing how to proceed.

“Would you like a drink?” he offered. _Is that they do in these situations_? he thought. _Or did I just sound like a fucking housewife_?

“I think Kavinsky has sorted that out”, the boy - Adam – said, pointing at three glasses that K had left on the glass table next to a bottle of Jameson. He walked towards the table, but paused and turned his head and looked straight into Ronan’s eyes with a teasing smile: “You can drop the towel, you know”.

Ronan’s heart lost another beat. He so loved a man who took charge. Leaning over the coffee table with a rolled-up twenty in his hand, K grinned at Ronan. “What did I tell you? He’s golden”.

So Ronan dropped the towel.

He joined the two of them around the sofa. He had so many questions in his mind ( _where did K find him? Is he, like, an escort?! Is he a friend of K’s? An old flame even?_ ), but most of his attention was distracted by K sitting on the floor naked and smiling, pupils dilated, and by Adam’s eyes and mouth and arms. He felt a compelling need to see his body, but Adam seemed to be in no hurry to lose his clothes. He poured each of them some whisky, raised his glass, looked straight into Ronan’s eyes again with that direct look that unsettled him and wished “Happy birthday”. He took a sip, put his glass down, turned to Ronan and leaned close. “Is it ok if I kiss you?” he asked softly. Straight to the point, no small talk. Ronan liked that.

Up close he smelled like summer. Ronan nodded a yes. Then, the boy – Adam – kissed him soft on the lips. It was a testing kiss, a reconnaissance, a kiss that tried out the shape of Ronan’s lips against his; that explored Ronan’s taste and offered his own taste and found them compatible. The chemistry between them was unreal. The kiss became a lot more insistent and urgent, deep and heavy and full of tongues. The boy - Adam, he thought, _Adam_ , _Adam_ – trailed a hand slowly from his shoulder, down his chest, all the way to his thigh. Ronan quivered. His hand was in Adam’s soft hair, when he felt the sofa dip on his right side. K put his mouth on his chest and midriff, kissing and licking, pulling on a nipple, one hand cupping his balls. Ronan felt himself go hard. He felt the two mouths exploring his body, his mouth and neck; two sets of hands caressing him and driving him to ecstasy. Adam then pulled his mouth away. With a soft hand under K’s chin, he brought their faces closer and they started kissing over Ronan’s body, while K still played with Ronan’s balls. It was the most erotic thing he had ever seen and, for once, his jealousy over K had deserted him. He tried to tug Adam’s T-shirt off but he refused.

“You will take my clothes off, but only when _I_ tell you”, Adam said and knelt in front of Ronan.

“Dominant bitch”, K smiled. He re-filled their glasses and drank deep from his own. While Adam was licking him, a hand massaging his balls, Ronan put his hand between K’s legs and heard him moan. The sound of that moan, the sight of Adam’s beautiful face between his legs, the feel of that wet, soft mouth around his cock was more than enough to propel him to a fast, powerful, exploding orgasm.

He leaned back basking in a post-orgasm glow and K fell on the floor next to Adam and kissed him like he wanted to devour him. They hugged and rolled on the floor bumping into the coffee table. Adam was on his back and K was grinding his crotch against him. His fingers were inside Adam’s mouth and he ran his tongue over them and sucked on them. A tiny prick of jealousy stabbed Ronan, although he seemed to be jealous of Adam, not K. Or maybe not. It was hard to think clearly in this unexpected, glorious evening. He drank to the bottom of his glass, then refilled it and drank some more and watched Adam look straight at him while bringing K to orgasm with his hand. He noticed the bulge at the front of Adam’s jeans and the desire to see him naked almost drove him mad. Impulsively, as K laid back on the floor, spent and content, he pulled Adam back up and kissed him hard and slow and pressed on him, mad with lust. Adam stood up.

“You can take my clothes off”, he whispered.

Ronan put his fingers under the T-shirt and slowly pulled it over his head. A tanned slim torso with some old, faded scars was revealed to him. He kissed them one by one and Adam trembled. Then he tugged at the jeans, unbuttoning them and pulling them down. He made Adam sit down to return the favour. He kissed the soft navel, the inside of the thighs, the base of the cock. Then looking at him, he let his tongue all over it and took him in. He sucked and stared up at the pretty blue eyes which stared back at him. Adam gasped as he was getting rock-hard, then pulled Ronan back to the sofa and sat on his lap.

They were face to face, skin to skin, holding tight to each other, breathing hard, grinding, touching, kissing.

It was intensely erotic, he thought, this feeling he had with this boy he hadn’t met until a few hours ago. There was something deep and sensual and, well, different than K’s manic pixie violent loving.

When Adam came in his hand, they both leaned back and let their pulses slow down. K was rolling a joint.

“Man, seeing the two of you get off...” he said licking the paper, “that was, like, the hottest thing I’ve seen ever”.

Ronan went to him and kissed him on the lips. It was a thank-you and he knew K got it. He understood him well.

“Well”, K said and lit the joint, “the night is still young and we _still_ haven’t been in the bedroom. Adam, you’re up for staying and carrying on?”

A split second of dread, a tightening of his chest, but then Adam said “I’m not going anywhere” and Ronan smiled with relief. It wasn’t midnight yet, so it was still his birthday, he thought. He took the joint offered by K, sat back on the sofa next to Adam and leaned back. It was definitely turning out to be his best birthday.


	3. Chapter 3

Waking up crept upon him. Eyes still closed, he laid there and let himself be attacked by memories of the night before. They came as flashes of lightning, fast, successive images of blinding clarity.

Bang. K’s mouth on his ass.

Bang. Adam and K 69ing.

Bang. Him kissing Adam.

Bang. Adam inside him.

Bang. Adam. Adam. _Adam everything_.

He groaned.

The shape next to him stirred. He turned towards it, eyes still shut. The shape came closer and bit his shoulder. That meant it was K.

“Morning, princess”, he heard him rasp.

Today, unlike every single other time, this nickname didn’t annoy him. It was impossible to think of anything being able to annoy him now. He felt full and content and sated. There was not an inch of his body that hadn’t been kissed, licked, caressed. His heart was lighter than ever.

His head, though, was experiencing the beginnings of a throbbing headache. He remembered the bottle of Jameson empty on the floor and K bringing out the tequila.  He groaned again.

Where was Adam though? They had insisted he stay the night (although it was almost dawn when they were spent) and he settled on the bed between them. Ronan now remembered falling asleep with his head buried in Adam’s neck and with his hand holding tight Adam’s.

He finally opened his eyes.

He was nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s Adam?” he said sitting up.

K didn’t move. “Left, like ages ago”.

“Didn’t he say anything?”

“Yeah, he said ‘thanks for the fucking’. What do you think he said, princess? ‘Twas great, see ya later, bye”.

“Is that all?”

“Well, I’m _paraphrasing_ ”. K’s sarcasm was sharp and bitter.

Ronan sighed and laid his head back on the pillow. So, Adam was gone. His birthday present – like a dream or a tender ghost - had vanished with the light of the day. The lightness in his heart also vanished.

But his hangover increased. So he got up and he pushed K up and they headed to the tiny, underused kitchen. K was in a sullen mood, typical of a comedown. He had snorted so much last night and now he was crashing. He was already rolling a joint to take the edge off. Ronan took out the frying pan. A decent hangover needed a decent breakfast and he would have eggs and bacon and the works today.

“What time’s your lecture?” K asked. It was after all a Wednesday.

 He glanced at the kitchen clock. It was almost noon. The lecture was at 2, there was no way he’d be up for that. “Fuck it, I’m not going”, he said.

“Brown ain’t gonna keep you for long if you keep missing lectures, you know”.

“Isn’t that your heart’s deepest desire?”

K‘s smile was biting. “It _is_ , princess”. Third time in a morning he used that stupid nickname, he must be pissed about something. He went on cooking. He knew K didn’t like it here. He longed for the bright lights of NYC and was only here because of Ronan, “my high school sweetheart” as he sometimes called him to others, another nickname which annoyed Ronan. They had met in Anglioby School, a posh private school in rural Virginia and K had pursued him for months before they finally became friends. It was a terrible time for Ronan, his father’s murder had shaken him to the core, his older brother was being a dick, his younger brother his only friend; but K had been there for him, in a sort of coarse but also sure-footed, unshakeable way. Friends first, then lovers.

“Where did you meet Adam?” he asked.

“In Henrietta”, K said casually blowing smoke.

“In - WHERE?” Henrietta was where they had gone to school. How had Ronan not met him?

“ _Henrietta_. He didn’t go to Anglionby, though. Trailer-trash boy. He went to the public school and that’s where I met him”.

Ronan had never followed K in his drug selling rounds. He had never set foot in the public school.

K continued, “He didn’t do drugs, you know? But he had this girlfriend and she got into it, so Adam was always with her, making sure she’s ok. The poor boy was wound up so tight all the fucking time. He had been beaten loads by his dad, he was dirt-poor, his _girlfriend_ was more into drugs than into him. I could see him barely holding things together so one evening, while his girl was lying high as a kite next to us, I made him have some weed with me. Was the first time he got high.” K smiled at the memory and shook his head. “Man, he opened up like a fucking blooming rose. He needed that fucking weed so much, that I reckon he still sees me as the goddamn savior. He told me about his dad and how he wanted to go to college but couldn’t afford it. He told me about trying to work out what he wants out of life and how he wasn’t sure if he was in love or not with that girl. ‘Twas all very confessional”.

Ronan had finished cooking. He got two plates, although K wouldn’t eat – he never ate after a night of coke - and brought them to the table.

“So, you became friends?”

“Well, not exactly or rather not right away”, K laughed. “You see, I did something that night. You know, a _bad_ thing. Well, you know me. Impulsive. So, I could tell – I can _always_ tell – which way that kid swung and it was both ways in my humble opinion, so I went ahead and tongued him. We ended up having a fist fight”. He laughed again. “Ah, man, school was fun”.

Ronan ate slowly. His stomach complained but he persevered. K had a bite or two, then pushed the plate away. He didn’t continue his story.

“Hair of the dog is what we need”, he said and got two beers out of the fridge.

The thing with the hair-of-the-dog is that it _always_ works. Ronan finished the beer and the breakfast and headed to the shower.

“I think I’m gonna make it in time for the lecture after all”, he said.

* * *

 

If you were an outside observer, you’d think that life went pretty much back to normal after Ronan’s birthday. The week went by, then another, everything same as before. Ronan went to lectures. K slept and listened to music. Ronan studied. K went to bars with his old mates, Jiang and Swan, who were in Brown too. Ronan and K had sex. Ronan and K fought. Ronan and K made up. They had Chinese takeaways and drinks at home with friends and they went to the supermarket and they did laundry in the middle of the night. Ronan sometimes followed the group out in the weekend, but his studying took up much of his time. Classics was a hard discipline. The workload was immense and he often doubted his decision to go to college, but if he didn’t do that, what would he do? He would be like K. Spending their trust fund money, going from one day to the next, from one meaningless activity to another. Getting drunk and driving fast was appealing to Ronan but it wasn’t enough, while for K it seemed to be all he wanted to do.

Now, if you were to be an _inside_ observer – hidden in Ronan’s mind and thoughts and heart – then you’d see that nothing was the same as before. There was not a single moment that his thoughts didn’t stray to the man he had met and kissed and slept next to. He kept thinking he saw him in town or in the campus. The golden evening light that dappled the grass reminded him of his hair. An overheard southern accent made him jump and turn. The smell of the approaching summer kept tugging and tugging at his chest. All he found out from K was that he had gone back to Henrietta and that he worked as a car mechanic. He didn’t want to ask too many questions; he figured that some sort of jealousy was responsible for K’s mood that morning. That was different, too. K never had to be jealous of him. He knew that Ronan was an all-or-nothing guy. He fell utterly in love – or not at all.

Did that mean he had fallen utterly in love with Adam? It was Friday evening, he was alone and was supposed to be studying Ancient Greek but his mind kept straying. He glanced at Sappho’s poem that he had in front of him: “ _Ερος δ_ _αὖ_ _τέ_ _μ_ _'  ὀ_ _λυσιμέ_ _λης_ _δό_ _νει_ _”_ and the translation _Eros melter of limbs stirs me_ and he thought of Adam’s mouth and eyes and arms. He felt hollow inside. He felt shaken. He felt wild.

He decided to go back to Henrietta and the Barns for the weekend. Without K. It felt like cheating, but that wasn’t enough to stop him. He packed a bag and left.


	4. Chapter 4

It was warmer than Rhode Island. He noticed his T-shirt sticking with sweat at his back and the reddened cheekbones that suggested he’d been working under the sun for a while. Ronan leaned on a wall, shook his head when anyone enquired for assistance and waited.

Finally, he saw him lift his head from the engine, drag a hand over his forehead and turn around.

Ronan’s heart thrummed when their eyes locked. Adam froze still like a statue next to the car he’d been working on; the statue of an ancient pagan god that Ronan had come to worship.

Adam walked slowly towards him and stood in front of him and they stared at each other.

_You found me._

_I went looking in all of the garages in town._

_I’d never dreamt I’d see you again._

_I couldn’t imagine not seeing you again._

_You’re all I’ve been thinking about._

_You’re all I’ve been thinking about._

None of this was said aloud. Instead Ronan said, “Do you want to do lunch or coffee or something?”

Adam looked at his watch.

“I finish at 3. 4 o’ clock at Jerry’s Diner?”

“I know it. 4 o’ clock”.

* * *

 

Ronan entered the diner half an hour before 4. He had never been there as a student, spending most of his time at Nino’s. Tucked in an alley off the main street, it was discreet. It also turned out to be cheerful, with dark red leather booths, pale yellow walls and a grey-haired man behind the counter chatting with a local at the bar. A sign advertised “homemade cherry pie 1.99”; the statement underneath “Made in Heaven” made him chuckle despite his nerves. Ronan sat at one of the booths at the back and the man, Jerry probably, brought him some coffee.

He felt the insides of him gnawed raw and bleeding. It was almost like a first date, although could you call it a first date if you had already slept with the guy? What _did_ you do in these situations? Shouldn’t there be a rulebook of some sort? With K they had been friends for almost a year before they got together. There were no first-date-nerves there. One day he realized he was in love with K, the next they were an item, inseparable ever since.

This was new. He was jittery with excitement and numb with dread, restless and paralyzed at the same time. _Έρως_ _λυσιμελής_ , the Greeks had called it. _Eros who melts the limbs_. Then, the bell announced a customer come in. It was 20 minutes before 4. He was early.

They ordered coffee and pie and stayed silent for some time, communication conducted by their eyes.

“Did K ask you to drive all the way for my birthday?” Ronan asked finally.

“No. I was already there for a few days. Ran into Kavinsky by chance the day before. I had an interview at Brown actually”, he replied. He lowered his eyes and blushed as if saying that embarrassed him – the idea that a working class boy like him applied at a college like Brown. “I got financial aid and have been saving up for the rest of the tuition. If it all goes well, I’ll be there in the fall”.

“Right on”, said Ronan. He could feel a spontaneous smile take up all of his face. He was elated by the news and wondered whether he knew anyone at Admissions that he could talk to - or threaten if necessary. Adam was smiling back. They were easing into each other - their heads leaned closer together, their voices dropped to a whisper, their legs touched under the table. Adam had that teasing smile again.

“Did _you_ drive all the way for _me_?”

“Yes”, Ronan said because he always told the truth and Adam grinned. He rubbed his foot on Ronan’s leg. Ronan wanted to lean over and kiss him but he guessed that Henrietta was not much like Brown’s liberal student environment. He reined that urge and that made it all the more urgent and overwhelming.

Adam asked, “Will you be staying in town tonight? I’m off work tomorrow as well”.

“I’m going home actually. I grew up in a farm half an hour from here. Do you want to come? You can stay over, no problem. Mum would like that, she’s alone most of the time”.

He surprised himself saying that, but the words had rolled out before he could stop them.

“Meet the parents already?” Adam teased – or stalled.

Ronan shook his head as if to clear it. “Look, I don’t mean anything by it – no, I … God. I don’t know what I mean. I just want to hang out, I guess”. This time it was him who lowered his eyes on the table. After a long pause he said, “I can’t say goodbye now, at the end of this meal. I just can’t”.

Adam stood up. “Let me call home first. Then, we can go”.

* * *

The drive to the Barns was filled with easy conversation. Adam wanted details about life in Brown and Providence and Ronan provided them. He seemed obviously confounded by Ronan’s choice of discipline. Of course, Ronan knew that Classics wasn’t a popular choice. There were very few career paths after graduation so it was no surprise that it was chosen mostly by obscenely wealthy kids that would never worry about wages. Adam was going to study Biomedical Engineering which, to Ronan, sounded incredibly impressive. Like he said he was going to be an astronaut.

He realized trailer-trash Adam was freaking intelligent.

He realized trailer-trash Adam bit his lower lip when deep in thought.

He realized he had a huge crush on him.

Was this cheating? K hadn’t called once. He must have seen the note on the fridge “ _gone home for the w/e, love u, R xx_ ”. Not calling meant either he was out of it* – wouldn’t be the first time – or he was angry.

When they got near the farmhouse, Matthew spilled out of it running towards the BMW.

“Ronan! What a surprise!”

His kid brother was in his senior year in Aglionby and spent weekends with mum. When she had been diagnosed with severe depression after the death of her husband, the brothers tried to keep her company as often as possible. It was intensely lonely in that beautiful, desolate, huge space. Ronan felt a tinge of guilt; he hadn’t visited in ages.

His mum hugged him tight and welcomed Adam and didn’t ask a single question about K (she disliked him passionately). Dinner was a happy affair and afterwards the three boys sat on the cool spring grass, looking at the night sky, drinking in the stillness. In the darkness Ronan felt Adam’s fingers close around his hand. Adam was lying on his back listening to the two brothers catch up, while his thumb secretly made soft circles in Ronan’s palm.

His mother had made a bed for Adam in Ronan’s old room and a bed for Ronan in the living room and soon they all said goodnight and the lights were off. Shorty after that, Ronan stalked upstairs.

Adam didn’t speak - he just spread his arms and pulled him down to the narrow single bed. They kissed.

“What made you say yes to K’s suggestion?” Ronan whispered.

“Because it was you”, Adam whispered back.

“What?”

“I had seen you with him in the past. I knew who you were. I did it because it was you”.

They hugged close and kissed and kissed some more. There was nothing hurried or furious or urgent now, but only a sense of relief in their making out, a sense of “finally”, a sense of getting what you’d thought you’d never get again and being grateful and appreciative of this gift. Taking the time to memorize the other’s face, the shape of the eyes, the feel of the mouth, the smell of the neck, the taste of the skin. There were tender caresses and slow kisses and silence and stillness and soft sighs. They spent hours like that, embracing, kissing, praying to the god eros who melts the limbs.

* * *

The next day Ronan drove Adam back to Henrietta. Adam got out of the car and leaned inside the passenger’s window. He paused as if he tried to think of what to say. Ronan was at a loss too. They spent a few minutes of silence.

“We’ll talk, I guess?” Adam offered.

“Adam”, Ronan started to say but was interrupted by another voice who had called _Adam!_ at the same time.

They both turned to see a brunette walking towards them. She put her arm around Adam’s as if she owned him and planted a kiss on his cheek. Adam turned to Ronan.

“Ronan, this is Blue. My fiancée”.


	5. Chapter 5

It was late August. The four of them, Ronan, K, Jiang and Swan, were lying on the grass in the campus, chatting, smoking and drinking discreetly from a bottle of gin. They had come back from New York only the day before and were easing back into student life.

Ronan didn’t care for big cities – too much traffic and noise and people in your face - but he had done it to appease K. When he had come home from Henrietta late that Sunday after a 10-hour-drive, exhausted and anxious, he’d found K drunk and livid. They’d had a huge argument. Mean words were shouted and hurtful things were said and glasses were thrown on the floor and furniture was kicked, all by K. Ronan knew it was his fault and he felt terrible, terrible, but nothing could calm K’s rage and eventually he grew angry too.

“You’ve cheated before! Not just once,” Ronan reminded him. “Don’t you remember? That time with Declan’s colleague from Washington? Or the threesome with the Japanese girls? _The twins_?”

“It’s not the fucking same”, K said and the terrible truth was that he was right. If K cheated, it was a one-off, spur-of-the-moment thing that had no impact whatsoever on their relationship. Ronan knew that. He did get jealous, but if he had to be honest with himself, he’d admit that deep down K’s cheating had never _truly_ hurt. K was a feral cat, uncontrollable, lustful, living only for the _right here, right fucking now_ and that was part of his charm, that was what made him K.

Ronan’s cheating _was_ an emotional thing. He had a serious crush on Adam. He couldn’t pretend otherwise; he would never lie. Still, he wasn’t planning to end their relationship. There was no part of him that could see a future without K and he had tried to explain that.

“Bollocks”, K had said to that.

“I love you”, Ronan had said for the hundredth time. “I am here. I am with you. Nothing else matters”.

“It _matters_ that you left without a word to go fuck that boy”. Another glass smashed on the floor.

“We didn’t fuck”, Ronan said, exasperated. “Is that what bothers you? We kissed, we just kissed, we didn’t fuck that night, alright?”

K looked like he’d been slapped.

“That is so much worse”, he whispered. He grabbed his car keys and slammed the front door behind him.

Ronan was exhausted. He proceeded to spend all of Monday tidying the flat, picking up the broken glass, unpacking his bag. He was attacked by a million racing thoughts: Adam has a fiancée?! Where is K now? Is Adam thinking of me? Is K safe? Is my relationship with K over? Does he hate me? Will I see Adam again? Am I terrible? _I_ _hate me._

Jiang had called him 24 hours later to tell him that K had used his one phone call to call him and ask him to make bail. Ronan went down to the police station. K had been in a fight, he was caught in possession of a minor quantity of marijuana (Ronan sighed with relief at that, as he usually carried several grams of coke and pills besides the weed) and he had resisted arrest. Ronan paid the money necessary to make bail, then K called his estranged dad – well, his dad’s secretary really – to ask him to make the charges drop. K hated his father and his father hated him, but he wouldn’t let his son go in front of a court. It was dangerous.

They hadn’t spoken a word in the car on the way back from the police station. They walked into the flat in silence.

K sat down heavily, started rolling a joint immediately. He seemed sober and calmer.

“So, you didn’t fuck him?” he asked.

Ronan shook his head. He sat opposite him, not daring to come close, afraid of setting him off.

“Do you hate me?” he asked.

K looked surprised. “Ronan Lynch”, he said, “I could never hate you”.

He lit the joint, took a deep drag, blew the smoke slowly out.

He said, “Listen. I’m about to make a fucking statement. Here it is: It. Is. Ok. If. You. Wanna. See. Him. Again”.

“What?” He hadn’t expected that.

“Look, I ain’t saying make it a regular thing. But I’ve been, you know, indulging myself all this time, following my whims without ever doubting _us_ and now the tables have turned and I got fucking scared”. He paused, smoked some more.

“God, I knew you were gonna like him. I mean, I fucking brought him to you. I guess I didn’t suspect how much you’d like him. Anyhow. You have my blessing,” he said theatrically. “But first you gotta promise me, man”.

“Anything”, Ronan said.

“You gotta promise that you are _with_ me. That it’ll always be you and me”.

“It’s always going to be you and me”, Ronan said and he meant it.

So they had gone to New York. They stayed in a suite at the Plaza for two months and Ronan had actually enjoyed himself. He and K went into one of their good spells. They spent ages in the bedroom, wrapped around each other. Swan and Jiang shared the same suite. It was a fun, playful summer. They drank champagne and got room service and went to expensive night clubs and were ushered in the VIP sections. They played loud music in the suite and K danced hilariously and Jiang filmed him and put it on the Vine. Swan always took ages in the bathroom, combing and blow-drying her long brown hair forever and they yelled “Elizabeth, come out” to which she would shout “Don’t you cunts ever fucking call me Elizabeth again”.  She was stopped a million times at the street by model agents but laughed disdainfully. She was a Londoner; her English rose complexion - that pale skin, brown soft hair and fine features – along with her penchant for wearing simple black clothing disguised that underneath it all she was a tattoo-covered, dark-poetry-reading, punk-rock-listening Wiccan. Jiang was hopelessly in love with her, although he tried to conceal it. They were very old family friends (Jiang’s family had connections all over the world) and he had introduced her to K years ago. At one of her parties a few months before, K had let it slip that they had slept together the same night they had met, when they were both 16.

Ronan had asked, “Have you fucked _everyone_?” to which K replied, “Well, I tried my best”.

* * *

Ronan went back to the Barns for a week. He asked K to come but he declined. It was the first time that he would contact Adam with K knowing. Of course, he didn’t know if Adam would be up for meeting. That fiancée thing had shaken him. They had spoken a few times on the phone, which showed how much Ronan had missed him. He loathed phones.

He needn’t have worried. Adam made some excuse to his fiancée and he stayed at the Barns the whole week Ronan was there. His mother seemed to like him a lot and she dropped hints that she’d like to see her fierce, middle son with _this one instead_ , but Ronan pretended he didn’t understand. Declan visited once, cold and distant. Unlike the rest of the family, the gay thing didn’t sit well with him. Ronan suspected it wasn’t because Declan was actually homophobic (he seemed to have a couple of gay friends at school), but that he was thinking about the time he’d run for Congress. Dick.

The love he felt for Adam resembled a fathomless lake, Ronan thought some times. It reached the deepest parts of him, it enveloped him. A double-edged sword, he could be rejuvenated in his arms or drown in them, but all the same, Adam’s love was essential as water is essential.  

K was like electricity, a live wire. A touch from him and Ronan exploded. He was definitely dangerous, something which appealed to Ronan’s side that loved to live on the edge. K made life thrilling, exciting, sizzling; a breathless multi-coloured firework display that burned in the night sky.

How could you choose between the two? He had always been an all-or-nothing guy, so what did this mean? He loved them both in different but meaningful ways. He was confused.

* * *

 

It was late August. Swan was telling them about this guy she started dating, some boy who goes by his last name like her and she thought that this fact alone made it a perfectly good reason to date him. Swan and Gansey, she was saying, trying it out loud.

Suddenly his phone rang. It was Adam and he was furious.

“Did you fucking bribe the committee to accept me to Brown?” He said without preamble.

“What? No!” Ronan had indeed been at the Admissions office trying to talk to people, but he hadn’t bribed anyone.

“I got accepted. We got here the other day, Blue and me, and guess what’s the first thing Blue hears? A rumour that I had a powerful friend give a bribe, a donation of some sort, to push my application higher on the list!”

“I didn’t bribe anyone or donate anything!”

“You’re lying!”

“I never lie”, Ronan growled. “You should have known that about me by now”.

K gestured to get the phone. Ronan passed it stunned and K said, “Hey, Adam! What’s up? … Aha… Yeah, I see. No, no, that was me. … Yes, that’s right. I paid ‘em. … Why? ‘Cause you fucking deserve it and you had all the right skills and what-not, except connections, and that’s what I provided. A little push … Yeah, yeah… I am indeed a cunt, I know… Okay, when you calm down, we’re on the main green outside University Hall. See you there”.

He hung up and gave the phone to Ronan who looked at him even more stunned than before.

“Why did you do it?” he asked.

“Because you would have been heart-broken if he wasn’t here. Because I love you. And because that’s what love is”.


	6. Chapter 6

“I said ‘Tuesday’ _three_ times”.

“No, you didn’t”.

“You just never listen”.

“I swear to God, you fucking said Thursday is your day off. I spent ages planning it and it’s all for nothing”.

“Take K with you”.

“Take K - in the _woods_? Ha!”

They had entered the flat now. Ronan closed the door behind them and they headed to the kitchen. They dropped the supermarket bags on the counter.

“Well, you should have asked me again if you weren’t sure”, Adam said. “I’ve got to work late tomorrow”.

“Let me remind you that _I_ had said ‘leave a copy of your work schedule here’ but noooo, ‘there’s no _need_ ’ you said”.

K sauntered by the kitchen door. He leaned on the frame.

“You two sound like a fucking boring old couple”, he said.

“Can you excuse us?” Adam said. “We’re having an argument here”. His voice, though, was light and half-smiling when he said it and just like that, the tension vanished. Ronan half-smiled, too. K waved a hand as if to say _carry on then_ , and went back to the living room where he’d been watching a Walking Dead DVD.

“My romantic plans are all ruined now”, Ronan said kicking a chair, but he instantly went “ouch” and Adam laughed. He came up and hugged him. They could not be angry with each other for long.

“How about this weekend? Can we go then?”

“ _Can you do_ the weekend?” Ronan asked pointedly.

Adam sighed. The weekend was another point of contention. The weekend was Blue and homework and work. Ronan never saw him then.

For the past month that Adam had been a student in Brown Uni, he had spent increasingly more time with the two of them. The “don’t make it a regular thing” that K had asked all that time ago had been swept aside and Adam quickly became part of their life. Before they all knew it, they were spending a couple of evenings a week together that often increased to three or four; dinner first (Adam cooked), bed later; sometimes the two of them, sometimes the three of them; on campus Ronan and Adam met every day between lectures for lunch or library sessions or just to hang out in the autumn sun while the weather was holding up, lying on the other’s chest in secluded corners or hanging out in the main green with Jiang, Swan and her new boyfriend.

The three boys basically found themselves in a lovely polyamorous relationship and Ronan’s heart trilled with joy when he thought of how happy he’d been these last 29 days. (He’d been counting). There was just the one problem though.

He still hadn’t told _her_.

“When are you going to tell her?” Ronan whispered and Adam tensed. This question was asked at least once a week.

“I will. Soon. It’s just – I’ve told you before, Ronan. She came all this way for me. Enrolled in the Rhode Island Community college. She’s got two jobs…”

“Dog walking is not a real job”, Ronan sneered.

Adam’s voice was sharp. “It’s a decent wage and she can fit it around her lectures at daytime. You’ve never worked a day in your life, so don’t take that attitude”.

“Ok, ok”. Arguments made him horny and he nuzzled Adam’s neck. “Let’s skip dinner”.

 They kissed, slow and deep. “Let’s”, Adam agreed. He took his hand and led him to the bedroom.

That king-sized bed of theirs had seen its fair share of action. Actually, as beds go, it was a lucky one. It had seen more action than many a marital bed and could probably even put to shame a porn-film-industry bed.

They called K who instantly joined them, undressing on the way to the bedroom, zombies all forgotten. Ronan was already working his way down Adam’s naked body with his tongue and his lips. K surveyed the scene, cock growing hard already, and went behind Ronan. He slid a finger inside him and Ronan moaned. Then he slid another finger. Adam moved position. They got the tall boy lying between them on his side and Adam put his hand between Ronan’s legs while K was inside him pushing deeper and deeper. Ronan was in heaven. Adam kissed him on the neck and the mouth, K on the back, then the two of them kissed over him. They kept the same rhythm pumping and pushing and it was ecstatic and delicious and indescribable. He exploded with joy at the same time that K came hard and powerful inside him. They fell on the bed for a moment, breathless.

A few minutes later, K jumped up and headed out of the room.

“Where you going?”

“Darryl is waiting for me”, he winked.

To Adam’s enquiring look, Ronan just said “The fucking Walking Dead”. It was K’s new obsession.

He pushed Adam back down.

“I think someone interrupted me when I was … somewhere here?” he said and licked Adam’s nipple with a sly smile.

“You were lower,” Adam smiled back.

“Here?” He kissed the solar plexus.

“Lower”.

“Here?” Ronan’s tongue circled the navel, then moved slowly to the groin.

“There,” Adam groaned.

Ronan took his time. He licked his balls and cupped them and put them in his mouth. His finger slid under Adam and inside his ass and Adam arched his back and gasped. He locked his lips around the shaft of the rock-hard dick and stared up at those pretty blue eyes and sucked until Adam had moaned Ronan’s name a dozen times before coming in his mouth.

They always cuddled after.

“Wish you could spend the night”, Ronan said.

A pause.

“I will tell her, I swear I will”.

* * *

It was the first week of October and Ronan and K were in K’s car, the trunk full of booze. They were waiting for Adam and Blue.

He still hasn’t told her, he thought bitterly. He knew she must be a smart, decent girl if Adam liked her, but he couldn’t help but hate her guts. Tonight, though, he was looking forward to spending time with her. _Observing_ her. He had many questions about their relationship, the main one being, how could she not notice Adam was away so much? He knew that they both studied and worked a lot and, apparently, saw each other barely during the week. She waitressed at a restaurant in town and got back late at night when Adam was already asleep. In the weekends, they worked some more and studied for college, Adam’s workload being especially heavy.  Sunday mornings apparently was all the time they had for each other. How could a relationship work like this? But from what Adam had said, this was what it had always been like. They had always worked a lot, two and three jobs at a time, so they could have the chance to go to college. Did she really love him? He wondered.

They were approaching.

“Finally”, K said and he started the car.

It was another of Swan’s parties. None of the group ever lived in dorms, preferring flats in town instead. Swan had rented a whole house – she insisted she needed a garden - and threw parties often, always at a full moon. She argued full moons made everyone wilder than normal, uninhibited and that made for good parties. Ronan doubted the science behind it, because, to be honest, they were all wild and uninhibited any day of the month.

Music was spilling out of the open windows as they approached. When the door opened, laughter and voices attacked them. K grinned. This was his element, this was where he was completely alive, this was where he shined. He knew practically everyone. Carrying the booze, he led the others to the kitchen, moving along with the rhythm of the music, stopping here to talk to that guy, there to kiss a girl on the cheek, over there to whisper to someone who enquired about weed. He weaved through the crowd assuredly, the centre of attention, a king in his kingdom.

Adam and Blue followed with a lot more hesitation. Adam’s red T-shirt suited his complexion so much that it hurt to look at him. Ronan wanted to drag him to a bedroom right about now. They hadn’t seen each other for the past 4 days. He could see it in Adam’s eyes too – the longing.

In the kitchen, they found Swan wrapped around her boyfriend.

“Hey guys!” she said coming towards them.

“K, that’s a lot of booze!” she said and gave him a kiss on the cheek. She pulled Ronan’s arms from where they were crossed in front of this chest, “This is a party, Ronan, let’s have some fun, alright?” she teased. Then she hugged Adam, kiss on the cheek, “Hey there, smart guy”. She stopped in front of Blue.

“Swan, this is Blue” Adam said. He didn’t add the fiancée bit, but Swan knew anyway. She kissed her on the cheek. She was always very tactile. She claimed it was a Wiccan thing.

“Nice to meet you, Blue. I’m Swan. What an unusual name you have! Speaking of unusual names… Gansey, this is Blue. Blue, my boyfriend, Gansey”.

“Blue?” he said. “Is that your real name?”

“Yes”, she nodded. “Gansey? Is that _your_ real name?”

He laughed, “It is indeed. My last name actually. Are you a student here too?”

Ronan doubted anyone else saw it. K was getting the bottles out of the bags, Adam was helping, Swan had turned to talk to someone else so it was only Ronan looking and he was paying attention so he caught it before it disappeared: a fleeting look that was exchanged between them. It was the look he surely had when he looked into Adam’s face the first time. _Gansey and Blue liked each other. Oh boy, did they like each other_. They were still talking. He noticed the way her eyes couldn’t leave his face or how he leaned over her almost protectively. He noticed she had already laughed at his words twice – he wasn’t that funny a guy – and how his eyes strayed to her lips more than once. If he could get them together, that would solve everyone’s problems.

It was a shame for Swan. She seemed to have fallen for  Gansey. However, he reasoned, she was a stunner - she’d easily meet someone else. Besides, this could happen nonetheless. Ronan was just planning to speed things up, that’s all. He felt guilty at the thought, but right then Adam turned to him and said, “Let’s get a drink and have a look around” and he looked into his face and it was decided. He was so, _so much_ in love with him that he’d do anything. Even break a friend’s heart.


	7. Chapter 7

He was on edge the entire night.

At some point, they had all lost each other, mingling and chatting away with fellow students. Ronan found himself next to Blue.

“Hey”, she said. Her plastic cup was half empty and he refilled it. Alcohol was an ally.

“You having fun?” he asked.

“Yeah”, she replied. “It’s cool. Nice people”. Across the room, Gansey was talking to a group. He looked over to their side – a lot. Blue kept looking that way, too. _Poor Swan_ , he thought.

“You know”, he leaned conspiratorially, “I think that Gansey guy likes you”.

She blushed but looked back steady.

“Well. I don’t know. We’re both taken anyway”.

“Yeah. You know, I wonder - aren’t you too young to think about marriage?” he asked.”It _is_ for life, you know”.

“So, you’re telling me that you and K are just having fun, dating, nothing long-term then?”

“No”, Ronan laughed at the absurdity. “We are together for life”.

She raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, it’s not the same”.

She raised that eyebrow higher.

“No, listen”. How could he explain? He wasn’t good with words. “Me and K are – well, he’s the love of my life ( _one of the loves_ , he thought). We have been inseparable for … pff, ages now. Is Adam the love of your life?” _God, what if he was_?

She finally lowered that eyebrow. She looked away and said, “I never believed in the whole “love of your life” thing”. He noticed the past tense. Interesting. “My mum’s a psychic, you know – oh don’t look at me that way – she’s for real. She told me that Adam wasn’t my destiny, but I wasn’t going to let fate choose for me, you know? _I_ wanted to choose for me”. She took a sip.

“I don’t make promises that I’m not planning to keep, either”, she added. She had turned away from Gansey’s searching looks, her face resolute and decided.

Ronan caught himself liking her. Short and feisty, uncompromising and sticking by her choices - and he was fucking her fiancé all this time. Ugh. How did they all get into this? If only Adam hadn’t lied to her for so long. And here he was, coming to talk to her only to make her break those promises. He was instantly disgusted by himself. Without warning, he slammed his fist on the wall, making her jump and stalked away without a word. He couldn’t do it, he _wouldn’t_ do it. He gestured at K in the distance and then went upstairs taking the steps two a time, got into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. A tiny smash outside in the hallway suggested he had caused a frame to fall on the floor.

K got in the bathroom and locked it behind him.

“You alright, man?” he said, seeing Ronan fists curled tight, face twisted and terrible.

Ronan was too angry with himself to speak. Alcohol was an enemy, it increased his temper ten-fold. K put his arms around him.

“Listen. Here’s what will happen. I’m gonna do a line and you’re gonna take a deep breath, and then another, and then you’re gonna tell me what the fuck’s up and then we’ll have a quickie and then we’ll leave this bathroom, ok?”

Ronan took a deep breath, then another. K was preparing the line. Someone knocked on the door. “I’m having a shit, GO AWAY”, K shouted. He rolled up a note. “I’m waiting”, he said.

It was difficult to say it. “I’m feeling sick with myself. I almost became Declan. I almost became like that fucking, manipulative, devious, lying piece of shit”. That was the crux of it -  why he was so furious. He almost smashed the bathroom mirror, but K quick as a flash grabbed his fist.

“Why don’t you start telling me what happened, alright? Let’s leave your dick brother out of the conversation for now”.

So Ronan told him. K shook his head, when he finished.

“Fuck me, you _are_ obsessed. Get a grip on yourself. First of, Adam isn’t going anywhere. Second, _he_ ’s lying to her, _he_ is engaged to her, let _him_ deal with all that shit. Also: Swan. If she ever finds out you had anything to do with it, she _will_ cut your fucking balls out and I’m being perfectly serious. I don’t want a castrated boyfriend. I like your balls”.

Ronan was calmer. He looked at the mirror and K came behind him and put his arms around him. They stared into it, cheek to cheek, K innocent looking with a devil’s eyes, Ronan all sharp edges with hurt, vulnerable eyes.

“It was a moment of madness”, K said. “Full moon and all that shit. Forget it”.

For all his volatility, K had been a rock to him. With some shame, Ronan realized something new: the reason he was so impatient was that he always had whatever he wanted as soon as he wanted it. That’s why poor Adam, who had had to work three jobs for two years to save money for a _reduced_ tuition, was so slow in getting out of the situation; he believed things needed time to happen. He believed every good thing took _time_. Ronan was just being a petulant spoiled rich brat.

K was nuzzling his neck, his fingers already inside his jeans. Ronan grabbed him and pushed him in front of him.

“You’re on fire tonight, princess,” K rasped.

Ronan pulled his jeans down and eased himself inside K, who moaned. Someone else tried the door handle again. “We’re FUCKING”, K shouted. “GO PISS IN THE GARDEN”. Then, in an entirely different voice, “Oh Ronan, oh my god, Ronan, yes, yeeeees”.

Ronan came with a gasp, holding his boyfriend tight, looking at them in the mirror.

“Man, why haven’t we put a mirror in the bedroom yet” K said.

When they were done, washed and ready to face the others, Ronan realized he was still on fire. The bomb inside him hadn’t gone off yet and time was ticking. He was tense and jittery when they got downstairs. The party was now in full swing. Almost everyone was hammered. Some kids walked in the front door bringing in a keg of beer amid shouts of enthusiasm, and laughter and _woohoo_. People were dancing and people were sneaking to the bedrooms and people were kissing. It was mayhem, a modern-day worship of Bacchus. It was terrible and lovely at the same time. A line from Euripides’ _Bacchae_ popped in his mind unexpectedly, “ _ὅ_ _τι_ _καλὸ_ _ν_ _φί_ _λον_ _ἀ_ _εί_ ”: _And shall not Loveliness be loved forever?_

He was in a wild state. He downed a beer and it didn’t help. He wandered in the rooms, passing past people laughing, dancing, arguing, drinking, chatting, staring, groping, snogging - until he caught Adam’s eye from afar and nodded _Outside_.

He waited in the darkest corner of the garden, leaning on a trunk, standing on a bed of yellow, dry leaves. The moon’s silvery light made everything seem unreal, intangible, like a lucid dream. Adam approached cautiously but Ronan grabbed him and kissed him.

“Not here”, Adam tried to pull away.

“ _Here_. They’re all inside anyway”.

“We’ll be seen”.

Ronan pulled them around the side. They squeezed next to a dilapidated fence, out of sight of everyone but the moon.

“No, we won’t”.

It was frenzy. It had been 4 days and they were both powerless to stop themselves. Ronan’s desire was a ferocious thing. For the second time tonight, he pushed the other boy face against the tree. He fumbled with their jeans. Adam’s slid halfway down his thighs, Ronan unbuttoned himself and went inside him and they both gasped. It was rare that he was top like this and it was the first time with Adam. He let out all that tension and rage and self-loathing and the desire and longing for the boy in explosive thrusts. He wrapped his hand around Adam’s cock and devoured his neck and they both came fast and hard.

They tugged their jeans up. They caught their breath holding each other. Ronan looked at Adam’s face and Adam gazed back at him. They were all alone in the world, wrapped in cool darkness under a pale moon.

“I love you”, Ronan said. He hadn’t said it before now.

“I love you”, Adam said. He hadn’t said it before now.

They kissed. _And shall not Loveliness be loved forever?_


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: homophobia, past child abuse

After the “I love you” moment, Adam seemed more motivated. Of course for Ronan, who had never learnt the art of patience, it still seemed like it was taking forever.

“I told her”, whispered Adam one rainy afternoon when they met in the library.

Ronan froze.

“No, I mean, I told her I’m bisexual”.

Baby steps. But better than nothing.

“What did she say?”

“She asked if it was a boy that left those bruises on my neck at Swan’s party”.

The day after the party, after their passionate tryst in Swan’s garden, Adam woke up in his flat to meet Blue’s furious eyes. She had grabbed him by the arm and dragged him in front of the bathroom to show him his neck covered in bruises. They’d had a big row because he’d tried to tell her that he did it in his sleep. Things between them had been icy for these last two weeks.

“Why didn’t you tell her then?”

“It’s a reflex, Ronan. Every time my father got upset about something, my first instinct was to say whatever would calm him down. It didn’t matter if it was a lie. The important thing was to avoid getting hurt”. His voice had gone almost inaudible and Ronan wanted to kick himself for reminding him of those days.

He discreetly took his hand and stroked it softly.

“So, what did you say to her now?”

“I told her that, yes, it had been a boy. That it was just a kiss. I didn’t say who”.

They paused for a minute. Adam looked outside the rainy window.

“We had a very long talk about us. About the relationship. We decided to put the whole wedding thing off. Now that we are here, with all these new people, far away from that shithole Henrietta … a wedding now just seems stupid”.

“So you’re moving in with us?” Ronan could barely contain his excitement.

A look from Adam quelled him.

“We’re still together. Blue and I have been dating for almost three years. She was there for me during some difficult times. It’s not easy for me to break up with her. She’s my best friend actually”.

He paused. “Did I tell you about those times?”

Ronan shook his head. Adam was lost in thought for a while.

“Did Kavinsky tell you of the first time he kissed me? I was so shocked I punched him in the face”.

“Yes, he did”.

A few _shhh_ s from other students made them pack their books and find a dry-ish spot to sit outside the library. There was a corner of the steps that was under a balcony and they settled there. The world was a grey liquid curtain around them. They were alone so Ronan took Adam’s hands in his and kissed each finger lightly. Adam continued his story. He was in a reminiscing mood.

“Kavinsky kissing me enraged me. I thought he did it because I looked like a victim – like I was a victim to my father. A victim to the world. Of course, looking back I remember that I had liked it and I hated that I liked it and how that had made me even more furious and seething. I went home and my father was worked up about something and he grabbed my ear and pushed me to the fridge hard. Well, that night, after Kavinsky, I couldn’t take it anymore. So I lost it. I hit him back. I punched him twice so hard that he fell on the floor”.

Ronan didn’t speak. He let Adam let it all out.

“I thought he was going to kill me for sure. Mum had frozen. That had never happened before. And you know what he did? He got up and looked at me with fucking _respect_ ”. Adam’s voice was breaking. “He said, _finally, my faggot son became a man and can fight for himself_ , or something like that and I almost burst in wild laughter because it was a _boy_ kissing me that had set me off. It is the law of the jungle, you know? Survival of the strongest. That’s what he knows, that’s what he respects. He never hit me again and I felt for once in my life that I wasn’t completely a victim”.

“He was always calling me a fag growing up. I know I have a baby face or whatever they call it. I look so much like mum. That’s another reason he beat us both, you know – he accused her of cheating. Said I wasn’t his son. Said there was nothing of him in me. When I hit him back, it was almost like he welcomed it. Like, he finally saw himself in me. I felt sick. I still feel sick over it. I’ve never hit another person in my life. Don’t want to be anything like that sick stupid bastard”.

Adam was crying. Ronan put his arm around his shoulders. He caressed his hair, his face. He didn’t say a thing, he just wanted to remind Adam that he was there, that he would always be there.

Adam continued.

“After that, things were slightly better at home. I mean, I didn’t get beaten anymore. But deep inside, I was a mess, all shook up. I was thinking of that kiss. I found myself thinking of Kavinsky all the time. I broke it off with that girl so had no reason to meet him, but I found myself crossing the street outside Nino’s more often than necessary or passing by Aglionby, hoping for a glimpse. I saw him several times. I also saw you”, Adam said and smiled at him, eyes still red and wet.

“You were always scowling then. You looked proper dangerous. The night after I first saw you, I had a vivid wet dream. All about you. It was exquisite. I think that’s when it clicked for me. That I also liked boys. Still, in the morning I felt shameful. Didn’t look him in the eye. Was afraid he’d see it, he’d see that his son was after all a faggot. I concentrated on homework, kept my head down, decided to stop looking for Kavinsky”.

“But Kavinsky came looking for me. He had seen me stalk him so he drove next to me one evening after work and said something like, _right, get in the car, let’s deal with it_ , so I got in his car and we went to some abandoned fairground and there we talked. He said he shouldn’t have kissed me without warning, and then he put his hand on my knee, which was his way of asking permission, I guess and … I said yes. We kissed. I wanted to see if I would feel the same as that wet dream, if I liked it. Well, I liked it. I was happy and absolutely terrified. What if someone saw us? But it was dark and remote”.

“Kavinsky changed everything in me. Gradually I accepted that part of me, even if I didn’t tell anyone. Kavinsky didn’t give a fuck what other people thought of him and I wanted to be like that. He didn’t let anyone tell him what to do or tell him who he is. I had built these enormous walls all around me, almost impenetrable, hiding from myself and others the fact that I was an abused boy, a bisexual boy, a deeply unhappy boy. When you have walls like that, only a bulldozer can knock them down – and that’s what he is, isn’t he? A damn _bulldozer_ ”.

Ronan laughed at that.

“He will fucking love that. Make sure to tell him”.

Adam was almost smiling now. He didn’t know what prompted the confession but he seemed lighter now that he was sharing the darkest part of his life with Ronan. He continued.

“Then, I met Blue. She’s funny and smart and she also won’t let anyone tell her what to do. We started dating, then after school we wanted to move in together, so I proposed. I thought that’s what people do, you know? We both wanted to go to college so we spent all our time planning to get away from Henrietta. We spent so much time planning the future that we didn’t really live the present”.

The rain was now a drizzle.

“Blue is doing the INGO course. The International NGOs”.

“I remember”.

“Well, apparently she might have the option to travel abroad to work with NGOs as part of her course”.

“I see”, Ronan said. He didn’t.

Adam caught that. “What I mean is that she has always wanted to go abroad and if she gets the opportunity, she will probably take it. I think that our talk last night – the ‘not engaged’ anymore - was her way of disentangling herself. I wonder whether she’s also had regrets about getting engaged but didn’t want to tell me, thinking I’d be devastated. Thinking that she is letting me down”.

Ronan nodded slowly. “Man, you two fucking deserve each other. Not really wanting to be together but also not wanting to break a promise you made when you were too young to know any better. Anyway”, he continued hastily as he saw the look on Adam’s face. “How about you show me what happened in that wet dream?”

Argument averted. Adam smiled. “We need a car and a remote location”.

“We have a car and we are within twenty minutes of a very remote location”.

They smiled at each other and raced down the steps to the car park.

* * *

Ronan stopped his BMW a small way in the woods.

“Under cover of darkness would be better”, Adam commented.

“It’s fucking raining all day. No one is going to be in the woods. Now, guide me through it”.

Adam grinned. He knew he loved to be in charge and Ronan wanted nothing more than to let him take it.

“We were in the back seat...” Ronan immediately slid to the back of the car and pulled him.

“You were sitting down and I was on your lap”, Adam continued. So Ronan settled down and Adam sat on his lap, his weight comfortable and familiar.

“Ummm, first we kissed…” he whispered and kissed him.

They loved kissing. It was so delicious kissing Adam. He must feel the same way, Ronan thought, because it was something they spent a lot of time on. It was like eating your favourite dish. You know dessert is coming, but you love the entrée so much that you want to linger.

So linger they did. They kissed and kissed until their lips were raw. The kissed necks and licked ears and bit lips and alternated between tiny light pecks on the lips and hungry deep tongue kisses. Can I spend all my life like this? Ronan wondered.

Then, Adam said, “Well, then we got undressed”. So they tried to undress. If you’ve ever been two people at the back of a car getting rid of clothing, you know how clumsy and unsexy it is. They knocked shoulders and bumped heads and Ronan slid off his seat trying to get his jeans off and he said “I’m assuming in the dream it was a lot more graceful than this” and Adam laughed and said, “Yeah, it was, like, instantaneous. Like magic”.

Finally, after extracting condoms from a pocket, they discarded jeans, boxers and T-shirts. Adam sat down.

“Next I was lying down and you traced my body, first with a finger, then with your tongue”.

“All the work for me, eh?” Ronan teased.

“Hey, it was _my_ dream”.

So Ronan did as he was bid. He traced Adam’s chest, stopping at every little scar left by a brutal childhood and kissing them, and he tried to put the thought: _it’s all over, you’re safe now_ in each of these kisses. Then he ran his tongue over his chest, his midriff, his ribs. Adam’s skin tasted like Adam, a taste as distinct to him as chocolate or strawberry.

He didn’t need to be told what to do after that.

“Oh fuck. Yes, Ronan. Fuck. _Fuck_. _Ronan_ ”.

He loved hearing his name from Adam’s lips. He licked and sucked his dick and massaged his balls at the same time and Adam called his name out a few times before stopping him. He was rock hard now, ready to explode soon. He said breathless, “Then, in the dream, you laid down and I was on top”.

Ronan obediently changed positions. Being dominated by Adam was such a turn on. It occurred to him that they hadn’t used any toys yet, handcuffs, whips and what-not. Blindfolds. _Mmmm_ , _blindfolds_. The thought turned him on immensely.

Adam had put on a condom and was leaning over him. Ronan put his legs around his waist and pulled him close. They locked eyes and he felt Adam deeply and intimately and they sighed and gasped and came together still looking in each other’s eyes.

It was dark when they were driving back. When he dropped Adam off outside his flat, he said “I have one question for you. Blindfolds?”

Adam turned and smiled. “I thought you’d never ask”.

 

* * *


End file.
